Emo Philips Quotes

I used to think the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I asked the librarian where to find a book on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

My father taught me many things in life, but one thing stands out the most: don’t peel a banana with your bare feet.

I’m not saying my mother-in-law is fat, but she has her own zip code.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, ‘Yes, the others were at least seven.’

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I used to be a lifeguard until the sun got a restraining order against me.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess and started gambling.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I was raised as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Some people say my humor is dark, but I prefer to think of it as ‘illuminating the absurdity of life’.

I once tried to stop drinking, but it was like stopping a hurricane with a feather.

I don’t wear a watch anymore because my phone always tells me I am running out of time.

I don’t have a favorite color, but I do have a favorite crayon.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just performing random acts of gravity.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.

I’m trying to lose weight but it’s not working. The fridge keeps saying ‘Eat me!’

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

I’m not sarcastic, I’m just allergic to stupidity.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not a control freak, I just know what’s best for everyone.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.

I’m never wrong. Once, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.