Coffee: because adulting is hard.
I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.
Monday called; it wants to be canceled.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Procrastination: because why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
I need six months of vacation, twice a year.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I can’t adult today; please don’t make me.
Nothing makes sense until you turn on Netflix.
I’ve got 99 problems, and they’re all in my head.
I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
If only I could be as skinny as my patience.
I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my phone.
Life is short; smile while you still have teeth.
I don’t always lose my phone, but when I do, it’s always on silent.
The early bird can have the worm; I’ll take coffee.
I’m not great at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Some days I amaze myself; other days, I put my keys in the fridge.
Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!
I told myself I should stop procrastinating, but I’m going to wait until tomorrow.
My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry.
When nothing goes right, go grab a snack.
Life is too short to skip dessert.
I’m on a roll today; I haven’t rolled out of bed yet.
Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
I’ve decided I’m going to live forever; so far, so good.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Sweatpants are all that fit me right now.
I don’t need motivation; I just need coffee.
If you think I’m a mess now, you should have seen me before breakfast!
Chasing dreams and tacos.
I’m just a cupcake in a world full of muffins.
Why is it called rush hour when nothing moves?
Every time I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and smiles.
I’m on the wine diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I could give up chocolate, but I’m not a quitter.
I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what I was doing, I’d be rich.
Sometimes, I question my sanity. The voices tell me I’m fine.
I’m like a cloud. I drift with no clear destination.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
I may be a handful, but at least you’ve got two hands.
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.
The only thing I throwback on Thursdays is snacks.
If you’re not supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?
I don’t want to be normal. Normal is boring.
Do I want to be productive today? Maybe, but first, let’s think about snacks.
Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book.
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