Demetri Martin Quotes

I think luck is the sense to recognize an opportunity and the ability to take advantage of it.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

My favorite word is ‘dude.’ It’s so versatile. You can use it to describe someone you like, someone you don’t like, or just as a way to say ‘hello.’

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy?

I like vacationing in places where I can wear sandals all year round. I call them sandal-destination locations.

I wonder if there were any ‘Warning: Contains nuts’ labels on stuff during the times when people didn’t know what nuts were.

Do you think they called it ‘the Dark Ages’ because there were so many nights?

I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple days off.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

It’s strange that we say ‘after dark,’ instead of ‘after light,’ since darkness is the default state.

I want to have a kid so I can teach them how to do the Cup Song. Or, just so I can finally learn how to do the Cup Song.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

I used to have a job at a bakery. But I couldn’t cut it.

I think vests are all about protection. You know, like a bulletproof vest or a sweater vest.

Ever notice that ‘studying’ is ‘student’ plus ‘dying’?

I never feel more confident than when I’m emphasizing a word that doesn’t need to be emphasized.

I used to be a lifeguard but some blue kid got me fired.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of freeze tag.

I think one of the saddest things in life is that you can’t have a toast on a bagel.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who’d be really mad if she heard me say that.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying ‘here, you throw this away.’

I think the worst thing about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that said, ‘One day, this could be you.’ So I put my money back in my pocket and just smiled at him.

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a therapist.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I like to put my money where my mouth is, which is why I spend so much on food.

I don’t know who coined the term ‘wingman,’ but they probably never tried to fly without one.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I was the one standing in the back, ting.

I think a lot of people are afraid of spiders because they’re afraid of the way they move. Personally, I’m just afraid of the way they hide.

The problem with being punctual is that there’s nobody there to appreciate it.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of musical chairs.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I used to have a watch with hands, but it got lost in a second-hand store.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of operation.

Sometimes I’ll put my headphones on without playing any music just to discourage people from talking to me.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I think it’s weird that we make fun of nerds, but the nerdiest thing you can do is make fun of someone.

My favorite thing to do is go into a Home Depot and pretend I know what I’m doing.

I used to be a personal trainer, but then I realized that I don’t know if I’m motivating someone or annoying them.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Jenga.

I like to eat my string cheese one string at a time, just to make the snack last longer.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Operation.