Dean Martin Quotes

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

I’m not a drinker, my body just looked at a bottle of alcohol and developed a rash.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat, you need it.

You’re not drunk until you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the Earth.

You’re only as young as the woman you feel.

I drink to forget I drink.

I’d hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that’s as good as you’re going to feel all day.

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

The only thing skinny women are good for is hanging your coat on.

It’s not the drinking that’s killing me, it’s the staying up all night looking for my keys that’s wearing me out.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I don’t drink anymore… I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.

The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don’t drink water, fish f**k in it.

I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.

There’s always a good reason to have a drink.

I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.

If you’ve got a problem with drinking, you should stop and see a doctor.

I like my whisky old and my women young.

I should drink more wine. Here’s to my resolution to drink more wine. Cheers!

I call this one ‘Panty Remover’.

Drinking makes unattractive people attractive.

I drink only on two occasions—when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

I don’t get drunk, I just get less classy.

I’d rather be a drinker with a writing problem than a writer with a drinking problem.

They call me a slob, but I’m just realistic about how much I can get done in a day.

I’ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and ‘I’m pregnant’.

I only drink champagne when I’m happy, and when I’m sad. Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company, I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it – unless I’m thirsty.

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.

I wish I could drink like a lady. I can take one or two at the most. Three and I’m under the table. Four and I’m under the host.

I started out as a music performer in nightclubs, but I can’t help but find humor in everything. So, I incorporated that into my act and it took off from there.

I exercise twice a day. I get up in the morning, brush my teeth, and go to the gym. In the evening, I come home, brush my teeth again, and go to bed.

I’ve got more money than Carter’s got pills.

You’re never too old to become younger.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right-side fell asleep.

In Hollywood, drinks flow like water, and the pressure to drink is high, so I learned to drink early.

Awareness is learnable, and to be witty you must increase your awareness of life.

I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.

When it comes to charities, most celebrities are like the IRS—they take 90% and give 10%.

I’m always in the mood for a martini—except when I’m not.

I’m not interested in alcohol, I’m interested in drinking.

I drink to make other people interesting.