David Sedaris Quotes – Beyond Humor and Wit

The greatest moments of my life have been the few seconds when I look at someone across a room and we both know…we didn’t touch but we communicated.

My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I replied, ‘I’m not flexible enough to touch my knees.’

I love living in a city where I can walk to the grocery store, the pharmacy, and the therapist’s office. It’s like a one-stop shop for my mental health.

My plan for achieving world peace is simple: Make everyone take improv classes. If you can say ‘yes, and’ instead of ‘no, but,’ you’re on the right track.

I once bought a fake Rolex from a street vendor. It looked so real that I almost believed I was a successful person.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think a good cry is much cheaper and just as effective.

I may not be the smartest person in the room, but I sure can convince people that I am with a well-timed joke.

Getting older is like being a fine wine – I’m just waiting for someone to pour me into a glass and sip me slowly.

The best thing about being an adult is that I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to. The worst thing is that I have to pay for it myself.

I always thought I would be an astronaut when I grew up, but unfortunately, my fear of heights and general lack of scientific knowledge held me back.

I never learned to ride a bike as a child, so now I just tell people I’m boycotting fossil fuels.

David Sedaris Quotes – Beyond Humor and Wit part 2

I used to be afraid of ghosts, but then I realized that living humans can be much scarier.

I’m not lazy, I’m conserving energy for when it really matters.

I wish I could reply to emails as fast as I reply to texts from my crush.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if life gives you a pineapple, you’re probably in Hawaii.

I think the secret to a happy marriage is pretending you didn’t hear your partner when they ask you to do something.

I’m convinced that the only reason people go to the gym is to take selfies in front of the mirror to prove that they actually went.

I’ve tried meditation, but it’s hard to clear your mind when you’re constantly thinking about what you’re going to eat for dinner.

I don’t need a personal trainer. I have Google and a strong desire to avoid physical exertion.

I never understood why people say ‘follow your passion.’ I’m much happier following my Netflix binge-watching schedule.

The best part of being a freelancer is that you can answer work emails from your bed wearing yesterday’s pajamas.

Someone told me that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,’ and I replied, ‘I bet they’ve never had pizza.’

I used to worry about fitting in, but then I realized that the people who stand out are the ones who are remembered.

I try to avoid drama, but sometimes I can’t resist the urge to turn everyday situations into Oscar-worthy performances.

I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure the key to happiness is having at least three different types of cheese in your fridge at all times.

My favorite exercise is running late for appointments. It keeps my heart rate up and gives me an adrenaline rush.

I used to think money couldn’t buy happiness, but then I discovered online shopping.

The best part about being an adult is that I can eat dessert before dinner and call it ‘making healthy choices’.

I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but I change my mind so often that my brain gets motion sickness.

I may not have a six-pack, but I have a family-sized pack of donuts in my pantry, and that’s basically the same thing.

I don’t need a personal trainer. I have a dog that demands to go on walks every day, rain or shine. It’s like having a personal drill sergeant.

I once tried to wear high heels, but they just kept sinking into the ground like a giraffe on quicksand.

The only thing I’m committed to is finding new excuses for why I can’t commit to anything.

I have a love-hate relationship with my phone. I love how it connects me to the world, but I hate how it can also disconnect me from the present moment.

The first step to becoming a morning person is learning to despise the sound of your alarm clock.

I never understood why showers have a temperature setting. I just turn it on and hope for the best.

I once tried to make homemade bread, but it came out like a doorstop. My family still refers to it as ‘the great bread massacre of 2010.’

I believe in free speech, as long as it’s followed by free food.

My ideal workout routine involves lifting a glass of wine to my mouth and calling it a bicep curl.

I’m not sure what the meaning of life is, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with finding the perfect taco.

I used to think I was a night owl, but turns out I’m just a regular owl with Netflix addiction.

I learned a lot from my mistakes, but I’m still waiting for the scholarship from the University of Life.

I don’t need an app to track my steps – my anxiety does that job perfectly.

I tried to be a morning person, but I realized I’m more of a ‘garlic bread for dinner’ kind of person.

I’m convinced that laughter is the secret to eternal youth. That’s why I make it a point to watch at least one comedy special a day.