Dark humor quotes

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I slowly got over it.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’

I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

My friend did a handstand on top of a building. Crazy stunt, but he really flipped.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I was going to make a belt out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I slowly got over it.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. His business is toast.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I used to be a baker until I couldn’t make enough dough.

Dark humor quotes part 2

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon… And a shot of tequila.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

I once saw a sign that said ‘watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’

I went to a seafood disco last week… And pulled a mussel.

My wife told me I need to be more spontaneous. I said, ‘Okay, tomorrow!’

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I don’t need a parachute to skydive. I just need one that works.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She then gave me a hug.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

I asked my French friend if he plays video games. He replied, ‘Wii.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s a slow process. I’m on the snack-to-fit plan.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I was trying to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? It’s okay, he woke up.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I’m reading a book on the history of glue. It’s sticking with me.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.