Conan O’Brien Quotes

Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it’s all over.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I’m not smart at all. I’m actually quite dumb. I just know how to use Google really well.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

I’m very proud of my goldfish. I taught it how to drown.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I don’t know karate, but I do know crazy and I’m not afraid to use it.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

The only way I can lose weight is if I stop eating while I’m asleep.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Scientists say the world is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

I have a conditional love for Los Angeles. It’s like the annoying uncle who visits every year but pays for dinner.

If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed because I listen to too much Coldplay, or if I listen to too much Coldplay because I’m depressed.

It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up. Unless they’re playing Monopoly.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have the heart of a child. It’s in a jar on my desk.

If I were a superhero, my power would be the ability to nap anywhere, at anytime.

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I hate people who take drugs. Specifically, customs officers.

I’m an acquired taste. Don’t like me? Acquire some taste.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just extremely skilled at looking like a fool.

If there were an award for laziness, I’d probably send somebody to pick it up for me.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I took a course in speed reading, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I’m not sure if I have free time or if I’m just forgetting everything.

I told my computer that I needed a break and now it’s continuously showing me vacation ads.

I’m not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish this chapter.

The only way to survive a bear attack is to pretend to be dead. And then when the bear leaves, take over its job and family.