Andy Dwyer Quotes

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

I regret nothing. The end.

I’m allergic to the sun.

I tried scrubbing my elbow for an hour.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party.

I once got a splinter in my tongue. True story.

I’m like the Houdini of underpants. Except instead of getting out of them, I just poop my pants.

I’m allergic to the outside.

I can’t have puff pastries. They give me a faux-foul in my fou-fou.

It smells like a goat sneezed in here.

I had a genius idea once, but then I got hungry and forgot it.

I’m allergic to anything outside the temperature range of 62°F to 68°F.

I’m allergic to sand. It’s coarse and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

I once ran into a burning building to save a box of kittens. Turns out it was just a box of empty pizza boxes.

I have a black belt in karate, but only when I’m wearing it.

I’m like Indiana Jones, except instead of a whip, I have a spoon.

I have a PhD in do

I’m allergic to gravity. I never fall down, because falling is a reaction to gravity.

I once ate a whole pizza in one bite. It was so big, I had to unhinge my jaw like a snake.

I’m allergic to the color beige. It’s just too boring for my taste.

I’m like a superhero, but without any of the super powers.

I once tried to tickle myself. It didn’t work, but I did get a weird look from my roommate.

I’m allergic to Mondays. They just make me feel all ‘blah’ inside.

I tried to count to infinity once. I got to 47 and got bored.

I once slept for 48 hours straight. I dreamt I was a potato.

I have a sixth sense. It’s called common sense.

I once made a sandwich so big, I had to eat it through a telescope.

I’m allergic to my own thoughts. They make my brain itch.

I once tried to high five a fish. Needless to say, it didn’t go well.

I once tried to dance like no one was watching. Turns out the whole room was watching.

I have a condition called ‘chronic awesomeness.’ It’s very rare.

I once invented a new dance move called the ‘awkward chicken.’ It’s harder than it sounds.

I’m allergic to mornings. They just make me feel all ‘blah’ inside.

I once tried to eat my own foot. Turns out feet are not as tasty as they look.

I once tried to swim to the moon. Needless to say, I didn’t make it very far.

I have a black belt in sleeping. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time.

I’m like a Jedi, except without any of the magical powers or lightsabers.

I once tried to jump over a skyscraper. Turns out gravity is a real buzzkill.

I once tried to juggle chainsaws. Let’s just say it didn’t end well.

I’m allergic to boring conversations. They make my brain itch.

I once walked on my hands for an entire mile. It’s harder than it looks.

I have a knack for getting into awkward situations. It’s like a superpower, but less cool.

I once tried to eat a whole cake in one bite. Let’s just say it didn’t go down so smoothly.