Ambrose Bierce Quotes

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Optimism: the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Conservative, n: a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

An egotist is a person who is always justifying himself, not merely to others, but to himself.

Compromise, n: such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one’s voice.

Irreligion – the principal one of the great faiths of the world.

Eloquence, n: The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Ambrose Bierce Quotes part 2

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

The only difference between a suicide and a martyrdom really is the amount of advertising that precedes it.

Education, n: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both.

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

Apologize, v. i: To lay the foundation for a future offense.

Water, n: A fluid which, if drank in moderation, can be enjoyed. If taken in excess though, it often produces a headache.

Funeral, n: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Bore, n: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Revolution, n: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

A Sunday School is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Positiveness is a good quality for preachers and orators, because he that would obtrude his thoughts and opinions upon a multitude will persuade others the more he convinces himself.

Bride, n: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure.

Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Incompatibility. In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he lacks, pretends to believe in a religion that he denies.

Cynic, n: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

Faith, n: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Love, n: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.